Working with Thoughts (especially the unhelpful ones)

Oct 3

Story

Do I harbor unhealthy thoughts? It took one night in Miami with Elizabeth Gilbert and 100 sweaty yogis for me to truly answer this question.

The first time I read Eat, Pray, Love I rolled my eyes and threw it across the room. I couldn’t take what I identified as the sanctimonious BS of yet another white woman working her life out by revealing her spiritual journey (yes, projection). When I moved to Miami I had the fortune of meeting Elizabeth Gilbert, who turned out to be painfully authentic, generous and very down-to-earth. This was pre-Oprah and she was an artist-in-residence at The Standard. My dear friend and life-changing yogi, Terri Cooper Space, had a beyond-packed room of over 100 souls sweating it out in the night with 2 hours of hip openers. The lush pulsating music flowed from sacred chanting to empowered hip hop and back to waves of singing bowls and whatever else creative mix inspired Terri in the moment. Just when we were past the point of exhaustion and fully entering some late-night state of euphoric dissolution we slid our slippery bodies to the ground and rested in stillness, only marked by the sounds of slowing breath.

Liz started reading from her new book. “So I’ve started being vigilant about watching my thoughts all day, and monitoring them. I repeat this vow about 700 times a day: “I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore.””

I will NOT harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore! She went on to read the full passage (see below). And between my body not being able to move and her palpable energy of dedication to this cause, I started to let go.

I realized 3 things.

1. I had been harboring unhealthy thoughts for so long I couldn’t remember when it started.

2. These thoughts were not just mental – they were physically and emotionally draining me.

3. I actually had a choice about creating a harbor for these thoughts.

Unpacking this realization, I began to understand that these unhealthy thoughts (thoughts that hurt me, do not contribute in positive ways, default system thoughts, thoughts that diminish me or keep me in fear) were somehow protective. They were saved for a rainy day (or a potential traumatic experience) so that I could get ahead of it, or prep my body for the blow.

“Don’t trust people.”

“You can only rely on yourself.”

“Don’t get too close or that person might die, leave, disappoint.”

Some unhealthy thoughts were just programming from the cultures I had been raised in.

“Girls have to be good and accommodating.”

“One bad move and hell is waiting for you.”

“Don’t get too excited about anything or you will be tested and something horrible will happen.”

These are the tip of the iceberg. But slowly, one by one, I began to work with my unhelpful thoughts - see them, breathe with them, talk about them, mostly get curious about them. And eventually I began seeing them as information rather than truth. I began to notice the lovely, supportive thoughts I could pull from my past and generate in the present.

In human development and contemplative studies there is frequently the phrase, “You are NOT your thoughts.” In Joanna Grover and Jonathan Rhodes’ new book, The Choice Point: The Scientifically Proven Method to Push Past Mental Walls and Achieve Your Goals, they explain research that discovered humans have between 6,000 to 60,000 thoughts a day. (IT IS SUCH A GREAT BOOK, see resources.) When we are in a state of flow, connection, contentment then we are on the lower end. But when we’re in a state of heightened stress, anxiety, confusion, etc., then we increase our spontaneous thoughts. More research found that of a person’s daily thought stream about 80% are negative.

This completely matches up to what I see when I work with people on transforming their thoughts. We start with a few practices to uncover the “tone and quality” of their thoughts when making decisions or contemplating a problem. And about 80% are negative for most people. All that has to mean is that we spend a lot of time and energy protecting ourselves. Those negative thoughts, compassionately framed, are pointing to past impressions, multi-generational patterns, childhood belief systems, traumatic situations, and usual human pain points where we got hurt. The protective mechanisms of the mind/body are trying to help us out. But, what if our 30-year-old self doesn’t need to be given advice or protection from our 10-year-old self? What if we actually have the wisdom and skills to meet the moment?

If we’re safe, then we can redirect our thoughts to positivity, gratitude, possibility, inspiration, awe, connection, purpose, etc. I’m not advocating for bypassing emotional connection or ignoring fear when it is helpful. Rather, I’m highlighting the choice that opens when we cultivate the skill of calmly watching our thoughts. With awareness we have a conscious choice.

Back to Miami…the dark night, the blissed-out yogis, the ocean breeze, the stillness on my yoga mat where I was so exhausted the protective thoughts had to let go. Liz finished her reading with this passage: “The harbor of my mind is an open bay, the only access to the island of my Self (which is a young and volcanic island, yes, but fertile and promising). This island has been through some wars, it is true, but it is now committed to peace under a new leader (me) who has instituted new policies to protect the place.”

We have a choice in the thoughts we keep and cultivate. I still have unhealthy thoughts pass along my shores and sometimes they absolutely make it into my harbor. I am human. My commitment is to watch and learn from these thoughts rather than give them my power and continued attention. Check out the resources list for helpful ways to cultivate healthy and life-supportive thoughts. Below I’ve posted a client favorite practice: Taking Out the Trash. Here’s to a healthier harbor for all of us!

May you be well,

Shelly

Concept

We have between 6,000-60,000 thoughts a day and most of them are likely negative. How do we change this? By bringing awareness to our thoughts (watching them, getting curious, working with them) and redirecting to thoughts that are helpful and contributing to our aliveness. Scroll down for resources & worksheet.

Practice

Mindfulness:

Set a timer for 3 to 5 minutes. Sit comfortably and breathe in a way that feels nourishing to your body.

Allow all of your thoughts to go uncensored for a moment. Notice what emerges with compassion and curiosity.

Take a moment to thank your thoughts for trying to protect you.

Allow them to release and redirect your attention to choosing thoughts trains that are beneficial, supportive, enlivening and relevant to your present life.

Daily Orienting Question:

Is this thought helping or hurting?