Reclaiming Our Authenticity

Oct 24

How we connect deeply to our truest self and honor the journey of who we’ve become

Chinese Proverb

“Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.”

Story

Tomorrow I’m co-leading a retreat where 30 incredible women will dive into their inner lives (and enjoy some stunning nature). We've hosted a few of these retreats, supporting all kinds of women—mothers, business leaders, hikers, lawyers, writers, doctors, healers - you get it. We believe every woman deserves a day to reconnect with her inner life, purpose, and self-love. Honestly, every women just deserves a break.

As we prepped for this retreat, I was fired up about women’s rights (still am) after reading Elise Loehnen’s On Our Best Behavior. It made me want to reassuringly hug another woman and scream running wild through the woods at the same time. At one planning meeting, I less-than-half-jokingly suggested we theme the retreat “Killing the Good Girl.” Picture painted affirmations as targets for axe throwing, and a Release Your Anger Meditation. It was a bit too intense for our purpose, but fantasizing about women releasing their rage felt so good. :) Thankfully, my team kindly steered us toward a more peaceful theme: Reclaiming Authenticity. And that works, because the anger I felt was from the deep frustration of living in a world that tries to contain (sometimes control) my authentic self.

In quiet moments, I can feel deeply connected to that embodied sense of authenticity. I can get curious about the truest, most genuine expression of who I am, free from societal expectations, external influences, or any need to conform to others' views. Our authentic self reflects our core values, beliefs, desires, emotions, self-growth—without our masks of protection being in charge.

But in busier, more chaotic times (and let’s be honest, pre-election season is full of those), it can be hard to define or even access that space. I find myself in protection-mode more than I care to admit. And I don’t think I’m alone. When the world propels on fear, with chaos, war, divisiveness, and harmful leaders, it’s natural for our protective self to take over. But while fear and chaos can feel the loudest, they are not the only stories the humans of our world are telling.

We live on a planet with billions of people who, every day, are doing good and extraordinary things, born of their authentic selves—loving each other, providing for their families, cheering at their kids' sports games, sharing meals around the table, swaying at concerts, hugging as they watch the sunset. It’s easy to forget that connected, beautiful, supportive life is constantly happening. In this very moment, people are hiking at National Parks, creating exciting work that saves our future, throwing parties to celebrate birthdays, saving lives with medical care, high-fiving after a major project lands, laughing with friends on a sunny cloudless fall day, holding their newborn grandbabies and whispering gentle "I love yous." That is also happening.

This gap between the fear that activates our default system, protective self, and the love that is generated in the present moment can feel vast. Clearly, there is a time and many reasons for fear. But once we are to safety, how do we work with that fear? How do we gain perspective, feel our feelings, and take meaningful action? Embodying our most authentic self helps us to work from a place of love and stability, rather than the shaky ground of reactive fear.

What Influences Our Authenticity?

In grad school, we trained in the infamous Myers-Briggs Type Indicator—a helpful yet often misunderstood personality typing system that most people know just enough about to be dangerous. When my professor handed me my results, I was jaw-dropped, staring at scores where three out of four types were the opposite of what I got when I took the test as a college freshman. Confused, I asked her how this made sense. She said, “Well, you're an adult now. In college, you're more likely to score based on who your parents wanted you to be. As an adult, you've had time to figure out who you actually are.” That landed.

In childhood, I was the gold-star kid—the personable, responsible, take-care-of-everyone-else kid. I was the Good Girl.

The environment we grow up in, our primary relationships, our gender, the stories we’ve internalized, the level of safety and resources we’ve experienced, etc. all shape our connection to the authentic self—this sometimes elusive, sometimes obvious way of being in the world. Simply put, did we feel safe in childhood to be our true selves? Were we told we were “not enough” or “too much”? Did someone validate our feelings and help us build the brain architecture to process life?

And suffering happens because we are human. Our pain is one of the most powerful forces shaping our sense of Self. When there's consistent, overwhelming pain, it can be incredibly hard to feel balanced. But despite the chaos and clickbait around us, we can still cultivate a deep, grounded, and connected inner space. It’s within the safety of this inner life that we access our authenticity and build the capacity to offer our true selves to the world.

We grow from children into our adult selves through a process of being born with a natural temperament and being shaped over time by people, places, and experiences that develop our personality. Our Authentic Self is a combo of these things - it’s who we are becoming and who we’ve always been. For some, there’s a spiritual or esoteric aspect of what it means to be a Self in a vast interconnected, interdependent Universe. Sometimes we align with this space out of knowing what blocks or stops us from being fully authentic (sometimes a very necessary thing). Our protections are ways of being, habits, and processing filters that have developed out of the challenges and traumas we’ve endured. Human adaptability is awe-inspiring, even as we might adapt and create habits that eventually no longer protect and no longer fit.

Authenticity requires witnessing these protective-modes of self with curiosity and taking a vulnerable step—showing up as our true selves, even when people don’t like it or when our internal fears get loud. This authentic self is something we know deep down, yet we’re constantly rediscovering it. From a Developmental Psychology perspective, it helps to examine our temperament and personality. From a mindfulness perspective, it helps to explore the contemplative space of Being, a space where we drop the constructs of our self altogether. Let’s look at all three; temperament, personality, and mindful self.

Temperament

Temperament is our unique, biological way of processing and adapting to the world. Temperament is the essence of our mental, emotional, and behavioral responses, and it’s likely even deeper than science can explain. To tap into your temperament, reflect on any family myth stories about you when you were around 1-4 years old. That stage of development typically is a space where we’re more of our raw animal selves before we start shaping into who others need us to be or what an environment demands.

My family shares a story about me at age three, standing up to someone who was angry with my brother for spilling milk at the dinner table. I don’t remember it clearly, but this story has followed me all my life, reflecting my own temperament—an empathetic observer who feels a deep connection to others’ pain and is wired to protect those I love. My authentic self is fierce, open-hearted, and unwilling to shy away from darkness but, instead, wanting to move through it to transform it into light. On a good day, anyway.

On a day when I’m overly stressed, underresourced, or things are just hard, I might pull from my default system. But where does that default system come from and does it fit my current adult needs? From the moment we are born, the world begins shaping us, downloading instructions on how to survive and adapt. I often think of it like being a smartphone. The moment people know we exist, they start downloading “apps” to help us function in the world—apps for how to connect, feel, fear, love, nourish, protect, and navigate life. The people raising us do this out of love and a need to protect us, but sometimes those "apps" don't quite fit who we are or the world we're growing into. This conditioning overlays our natural selves, often before anyone has even seen who we truly are.

Personality

Above I’m talking about the beginning of personality formation—how our environment shapes us over time. From the adults who raised us and the belief systems we absorbed to our socio-economic context, race, gender, friends, traumas, available resources, travels, teachers, and even tech exposure, all these factors develop us from our raw, natural selves into a more polished, complex, adaptable version of who we are. The suffering of life also develops us into a survival-oriented self that is intelligently trying to protect us, especially when suffering happens in our childhoods. By reclaiming our authenticity, we engage in a differentiation process—compassionately examining all these influences and consciously choosing which parts honor who we truly are and how we want to be in the world.

My fierce little girl self who defended my brother quickly learned about being “sugar and spice and everything nice” in a strongly gendered, conservative, religious Southern culture. I received the message in various ways that I needed to smile with my big brown eyes to be liked, to be quiet and patient, to be good (or risk going to hell), to be smart (but not so much that it threatened boys), to be demure, to be clean and pretty, to laugh politely at my elders' jokes—even if I found them dumb or offensive—and to feel deeply remorseful when I stepped out of line as if one mistake had determined my character. This was all part of simply being a girl in that culture.

Thankfully, my dad had a broader worldview from his work in politics, and my mother, an elementary school teacher, had a fascination with human development. They helped me connect to my assertiveness, intelligence, and personhood beyond my gender. But it’s all mixed up; they also had their struggles with identity, which sometimes shaped me into a split self-caught between the worlds of conservative Christianity and a more worldly political landscape. They wanted to protect me while also encouraging my growth.

My childhood shaping temperament into personality comes from navigating these two worlds, as well as all the things - the pain that runs through families, death of loved ones, the hurt of relationships, the B minuses, lost basketball games, fear of hell - as much it comes from all the nights I laughed with my mom watching Star Trek and eating pizza, singing in a choir, trekking through Europe alone after high school, night swimming and watching the stars, seeing Les Mis on Broadway, laughing with friends at a sleepover…a million everyday moments of awakening to being human.

Becoming a self is messy. Which is part of the beauty and grace of being human. My personality is often described as empathetic, calm, perceptive, curious….and for those who really know me, they hear the anxiety, the deep fears, the highly emotional parts that need a lot of meditation, nature walks, and acupuncture to release. It’s all me. Hopefully, people know me to be deeply loving as well and can hear and see my whole adult self as well as that fierce little girl determined to use her voice.

The Mindful Self

Finally, I will throw a wrench into all of this. :) In my meditative path, I’ve also found an experience that does not feel like a self at all. In the quiet internal moments, when my thoughts slow, my body stills or moves in rhythm with nature, when I feel connected to the Earth, surrendering my inner Protectress Controller to the Universe, I connect with an Authentic “self” that is a non-self. I’m just not interested in Shelly at that moment. I’m feeling the interconnectedness of all beings and an appreciation for landing a human body to experience this range of life. These moments feel like pure love and an inner ground that is simultaneously in me and independent of my messy human self. I’m still learning to trust this space and will probably be for my entire life. But I know it’s the source of an internal safety that this world cannot touch.

Key Elements of Authentic Self

Last month, I had the privilege of speaking at the Kentucky District Court Judges' annual continuing education conference on Mindfulness and Mental Health—a topic I regularly address. It should have been easy. But the night before, as I stood in the empty conference room, taking in the American flag, the Lady Justice emblem, and a stack of black robes, something shifted. What started as excitement quickly turned into anxiety later that night. Alone in my room, I was hit by waves of doubt: "What if I forget my talk? What if they don't like me? What if I'm not smart enough?" My mind spiraled with the usual fears of being "too much" or "not enough," triggering my Good Girl safety checks and a slow drip of adrenaline that kept me wide awake, full of fear.

I texted my best friend, who replied with a simple "You've got this!" and our favorite clip from Ted Lasso—Rebecca and her Inner Child Lion Breath. Nervous before facing a room full of powerful men, she grounded herself in her wholeness (full adult self) by calming her threat response (good girl) and connecting to her innate fierce little girl. I watched the clip a few times and went to sleep. The next day, I had a beautiful experience, offering a meaningful workshop with a room full of engaged and kind people.

My inner Good Girl got activated by the same energy that, growing up in a political family, was such a big part of my childhood. And that’s okay. She is a primary archetype living inside of me with an old and intricately connected system of protection from a world that had a hard time accepting a highly empathic, emotionally wired, female. While I’ve had decades of healing work, the wounded parts are still there (that’s how it works). But now when the GG threat alarms go off, she is an opportunity for me to come into greater alignment with my truest self. I don’t need to kill the Good Girl; I need to give her a hug, tell her I’m safe, and allow her to relax into her natural vital self.

Key elements of living from our Authentic Self reflect the truest, most genuine expression of who we are, free from societal expectations, external influences, or any need to conform to others' views. It’s the version of ourselves that reflects our core values, beliefs, desires, and wisdom—without the masks we often wear.

Key elements of the authentic self include (take the pressure off - if I hit 70% of this I’m doing just fine):

Self-awareness: A deep understanding of your needs, preferences, strengths, and weaknesses. It's the ability to recognize and accept both positive and negative aspects of yourself.
Congruence: When your actions, words, and behaviors align with your inner values and feelings. There’s no facade or pretending.
Vulnerability: Being open and honest, even when it involves uncertainty or a degree of emotional exposure. Sometimes this honest vulnerability is just an internal experience, as it can be unsafe at times to show up vulnerable in certain environments or with certain people.
Autonomy: Acting from a place of inner guidance rather than external pressures or fear of judgment. It’s about making decisions that reflect your true desires, not what others expect of you.
Wisdom: Learning from life and moving that wisdom into meaningful action.
Peace in the Present: Often there is a sense of inner peace that comes from making contact with our natural selves. It doesn’t mean you always feel that way! But you can more likely access it when you practice presence on a regular basis.

What if We’re Blocked?

But what if our light is restricted? What if we’re so deep in our protections that we act inauthentically and believe it’s the right thing to do? In 11th grade, I ran for Class Treasurer. Picture a 1995 biology classroom, 60 students crowded around lab tables, voting for student government—old school, with eyes closed and hands raised. I was up against another girl, and when the votes were counted, she won by one vote—mine. I had raised my hand for my competitor because “nice girls” are supposed to be kind, supportive, and never selfish. The only person who knew was our Social Studies teacher, who asked me to stay after class.

“What was that?” she demanded. I stumbled through an explanation: “She’s nice, and it felt weird voting for myself.” She looked sad and, with a firm gaze, said, “If you don’t vote for yourself, who will?”

Elise Loehnen writes in On Our Best Behavior about this very moment:

“Wanting, in many ways, is humiliating. For one, it suggests you think you’re deserving, that you’re worthy. It connotes arrogance, or pride. There is no reliable model for women to understand what it looks like to know what you want and to go after it without slamming into the assignation of “selfishness.” We are conditioned to believe that selfishness is bad, immoral, wrong; that we must step back, serve through compliance.”

— Elise Loehnen

She explores how cultural conditioning can disconnect us from our most basic autonomy—our needs. I highly recommend this book for its insightful synthesis of how women have internalized patriarchy and how we can break free from multi-generational patterns that diminish our authentic selves.

In my 20 years of working in the helping professions, I’ve consistently observed how our inner light gets dimmed by both internal and external blocks. At the core of most of these blocks is a need for safety and security. Do we feel those things? Where, and with whom, do we feel them? When we don’t feel safe or secure—some might say loved—it becomes incredibly difficult to be vulnerable. And more often than not, fear is what keeps us stuck. Slowly read through the list below and see if any resonate. Take some time to journal about one or two that stand out.

Common Blocks to Authentic Self

Unintegrated Trauma: Traumatic experiences, or even developmental encapsulations, can lock us into patterns of protection and pain. These experiences need to be worked with lovingly and patiently (often professionally) so they can complete their cycle, allowing you to evolve along your developmental path.
Super Busy: The busyness of life can keep us from having the time and space to process our feelings and experiences. People often experience this as anxiety—Being busy is a culturally supported way to avoid feelings while still appearing productive. But eventually, it catches up with us. Think of this anxiety as an internal knock on the door of your SELF, asking you to open up and get back to who you really are, find purpose, and cultivate a life that feels good.
Feeling Trapped: Sometimes, situations, relationships, or circumstances demand that we stay in spaces where we don't feel safe to be our authentic selves. For example, a toxic work environment where you're reliant on the income to provide for your family can create that feeling of being stuck.
Stagnation: When we haven’t moved our bodies in a while, it can heighten anxiety. Or, we might find ourselves stuck in a routine, a relationship, or eating habits that no longer serve our growth.
Mindset: The lens through which we view and process our experiences is critical. Sometimes our mindset can become unhelpful, especially when it’s fueled by fear. For example, people-pleasing is a form of an unhelpful mindset—adapting how we interact with others to be liked, rather than being true to ourselves.
Shame Portals: Beautifully named by my colleague Samantha Perkins, this is when we spiral into making everything our fault. It’s an attempt to regain control when life feels out of control. The problem is, we also take ourselves down in the process. The thoughts that arise from this shame lens—"I am not enough," "You are not enough," "There will never be enough," "Why did I do that?"—are damaging. This internal voice never reflects our true self and often leaves us feeling depleted.
Power and Control Dynamics: Sometimes there is a person, system, or belief that holds control by keeping us in a powerless position. This can be abrupt and obviously overbearing, or it can slowly unfold from someone we trust. They might offer protection and guidance while subtly undermining our autonomy and our self-authority. This one really sticks when it happens to children. When are taught not to trust ourselves.
Toxic Culture/Person: When destructive beliefs like racism, homophobia, misogyny, or classism are present—especially when those in power, who are meant to protect, target the very people they should be protecting with hate—it becomes unsafe to be who we truly are. Too often, many of us work or live in environments filled with this harmful energy. To protect ourselves, we pull inward, only showing parts of ourselves that we believe will keep us safe. If we remain in this environment long-term, constantly repressing our true selves, it can cause deep internal harm, making it difficult to trust others at all.

Reclaiming the Authentic Self

Two years after the Myers-Briggs revelation, I was a new therapist with a full caseload and a weekly check-in with my much older, wiser, guru-level supervisor—who, by the way, is still a total badass. I had just come out of a terrible session where I felt like I completely lost it with a client. In the moment, it felt like I had gone off the rails, became too assertive while setting a boundary, and essentially ruined the therapy process. The reality is that I set a firm boundary that needed to happen and the client became angry. My inner good girl was definitely running the narrative. As I started sharing the story with my supervisor, she stopped me mid-sentence and said, “It sounds like you think you acted like a bitch.” I was horrified, shame rushing in as my face burned. I barely looked at her and mumbled, “But I’m a good person!” She replied, “Why can’t you be both? And why do you think being assertive with boundaries means you’re not a good person?”

My inner Good Girl, who crashed and burned when she felt disapproval, was in conflict with my integrated adult self, who needed to set a boundary. However, after a few months (maybe years) of allowing the truth of the both/and - I could be a good person and get angry at the same time - settle in, I realized there was no need for that conflict. I can lovingly witness and honor the protective part, while also acting from my full adult self - the both/and is where we find our Authentic Self.

What Can We Do

Reclaiming Authenticity is about creating space to be with who we are and how we've been shaped. Only you can figure this out for yourself—it's deeply personal. A good starting point is to begin noticing when we are thinking and/or behaving in a way that feels off. We can sense when we’re being inauthentic or being asked to be inauthentic. It may not be a "false self" but rather us functioning from just a part of who we are, instead of our wholeness. When we start to learn the signs that we’re being blocked or blocking ourselves from being authentic, then we can get curious about why we don’t feel safe. We can also examine how our personality was formed and why these thoughts and actions possibly make sense. For example, if I grew up believing that I’m okay as long as other people validate me, then it makes sense that in adulthood I would second guess myself if I made a choice purely on my own. Once we bring awareness to our life story, then we can have a conscious choice in how we move forward. Below are meaningful actions you can take to start this new chapter of reclaiming your authentic self.

Begin with The Body

In my work with clients, we explore the felt sense of their authentic self through mindfulness and somatic practices that are inherently compassionate. Through coming into consistent contact with our natural self, we expand our body’s baseline for stress tolerance. For example, I help clients notice more quickly notice when they are thinking, feeling, or behaving inauthentically by paying attention to their body’s response in everyday situations. This inauthenticity can stem from operating on autopilot from an old default system, over-adapting to external influences, or responding to an unrecognized internal threat.

By cultivating their "witness" capacity for awareness, clients can begin to feel the difference between authenticity and inauthenticity in their bodies. This awareness gives them the power to consciously choose growth, health, and alignment with their true self. It’s like peeling back layers of conditioning—uncovering the pure signal of authenticity beneath the noise of old patterns.

Examine Your Archetypes

Archetypes are cultural representations of energies that drive us. They often develop out of the protection place. Archetype work allows us to give shape to the ways we’ve adapted our habit/patterns through personality development. I name the Good Girl archetype as a way to work with, give shape to, something that feels hard to name. There are hundreds of archetypes, and for every archetype, there is a gift and a shadow. My Good Girl knows a lot about the power and human potential for adapting to other people’s needs. My integrated Adult Self can compassionately move that gift into helping others with a similar pain point and helping them get free from the GG shadows of self-sacrafice, people pleasing, and fear. Knowing your activated archetypes can help you know which steps below are needed for reclaiming your authenticity.

Everyday Steps to Reclaim Your Authentic Self

Practice Self-Awareness
Regularly check in with yourself through mindfulness, journaling, or reflective time. Explore your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to notice patterns that feel inauthentic or conditioned by external forces.
Embrace Vulnerability
Allow yourself to be open and honest, even when it's uncomfortable (but not when it’s unsafe). Vulnerability helps dissolve the protective layers that block authenticity. Start small by sharing your true feelings with someone you trust.
Set Boundaries
Protect your authentic self by learning to say no when necessary. Boundaries create the space to honor your needs and prevent over-adapting to others' expectations.
Challenge Unhelpful Mindsets
Identify any thought patterns that keep you stuck in fear or shame. Whether it’s people-pleasing, perfectionism, or fear of judgment, gently challenge these mindsets by asking, “Does this align with who I truly am?”
Move Your Body
Movement, especially mindful movement like yoga, walking, or dancing, reconnects you with your body’s wisdom. It helps release stagnant energy and enhances your ability to tap into your natural rhythm and flow.
Create Time for Stillness
In our busy lives, stillness is a gift. Carve out moments of quiet, free from distractions, where you can sit with yourself, process emotions, and listen to your inner voice.
Reconnect with Joy
What lights you up? Rediscover the activities, people, and experiences that make you feel alive and aligned with your true self. Joy is a powerful connector to your authenticity.
Heal Old Wounds
Unresolved trauma can keep you locked in protective patterns. Working with a professional can help you gently integrate these experiences, allowing you to evolve into your authentic self.
Surround Yourself with Support
Seek relationships that nurture your authenticity rather than demand conformity. Community and connection with those who encourage your growth can be a powerful catalyst for reclaiming your true self.
Make Conscious Choices
Pay attention to the decisions you make, big and small. Ask yourself: Does this choice honor my authentic self? By aligning your actions with your core values, you become more congruent with who you really are.

Thank you for reading this post! I know this post was long. If you only take away one thing, please remember that to even read this blog and take a few moments to think about your life is an act of self-love. And self-love is always coming from our authentic self.

My blogs are infrequent but full of content. I would rather give you quality over quantity. If you would like to receive my monthly newsletter, please sign up! For bite-sized deeper dives into learning how to Build a Mindful Life, please sign up for my emails and you will be the first to know about the courses I’m rolling out very soon.

May you be well.

Shelly (and little Shelly)

Concept

Reclaiming Our Authenticity is about understanding who we are, how we’ve been shaped, and what we believe. When you are getting curious about your authentic self, reflect on the truest, most genuine expression of who you are, free from societal expectations, external influences, or any need to conform to others' views. It’s the version of ourselves that reflects our core values, beliefs, desires, and emotions—without the masks we often wear.

Practice

Reflection Questions:

Write a letter to your child self thanking them for doing they best they could to help you grow and learn to be human.
Ask someone you grew up with if they have any stories about you before age 4. What does that story reveal about your temperament?
What are 3 major influences on your personality formation?

Daily Orienting Question:

What do I need?