Love in Motion

Feb 14

HOW TO GENERATE LOVE FOR EVERYONE IN YOUR LIFE (INCLUDING YOU)

Dan Siegel

Where our attention goes, the energy flows.

Story

Do you relate to any of the following? (I know, I do.)

“I feel disconnected from my husband. We don’t know what to talk about when we’re hanging out. The kids are all teens and college-age. They do their own thing. We used to laugh and enjoy each other….I think!?”

“It’s just hard to switch off my work brain. By the time I get home, I don’t have anything left to give myself, let alone anyone else. I feel so stuck.”

“I remember going on weekly art adventures with my kid. We had the best time. Now she hurries through dinner and starts texting with her friends. It feels out of control. I just wish she’d talk to me like she used to.”

“My friends all go to dinner and we waste 2 hours talking about nothing. I know they’re smart people with interesting thoughts. But we are all so tired and if we’re not complaining about work or sharing kid stories, we’re not really sure what to talk about.”

These are snapshots of stories I hear ALL THE TIME. Some version of a relationship that used to feel vital, connected, and nourishing. But now the relationship is in a dull or disconnected moment. It’s easy to go there. Especially with all going on in the world. I still think we’re traumatized from COVID, we’re definitely feeling things in the political sphere, and there seem to be increasingly scary things holding space in the back of our minds at all times now - climate change, war, human rights. It’s heavy.

What the World Needs Now

That means NOW more than ever, we need to get intentional about how we connect to each other and how we actively, intentionally, generate LOVE.

“Where our attention goes, the energy flows.” Dan Siegel, an expert on human connection, always mentions that line in his trainings. It’s a foundational principle of Interpersonal Neurobiology, an interdisciplinary field that studies the interaction between the brain, mind, and relationships. It aims to understand how our experiences with others shape our neural pathways and influence our mental health and well-being.

Love and connection aren’t just things that happen to us—they are energies we can cultivate and set in motion. Whether with a partner, a friend, or a family member, small, intentional actions can create ripples of warmth, joy, and deeper bonding. The world is simply a better place when we feel connected to those we are in relationship with.

How to Generate Love

Love is an energy we can embody and increase. It’s a dance between giving and receiving. The more we give the more we receive (if we’re open), and the more we receive the more we’re inspired to give.

But often, the best way to access what we want is by first feeling its opposite. Contrast is a powerful tool—it helps us recognize and generate the qualities we long for.

Take a moment to bring into your body the opposite of love: stuck fear. Fear constricts, disconnects, and shuts us down. Even complacency—a low-level vibration of fear—can block the flow of love and life force within us. Notice how you feel, how your body feels, what kind of thoughts start working their way through.

Now shake, breathe, will that out! Find your mindful body and call in the energy of love. Allow the flow of connection, empathy, care, curiosity, creativity, community, belonging, purpose - the heart of our aliveness to spark and expand throughout your being. It’s so natural - Love is our birthright. You not only deserve to feel and offer love, it’s the natural, most aligned state of who you are.

We generate love to awaken our full aliveness and to inspire that wakefulness in others. And here’s something powerful: the more we give love, the more we generate it within ourselves. Research on compassion shows that offering love and care benefits the giver just as much as the receiver.

Think of this simple scenario (I seriously may have written this before…because this has happened multiple times to everyone in our home):

You’re in the kitchen, and as you pull a jar from the fridge, it slips and shatters on the floor. Now, two things can happen:

Scenario A: A family member reacts with frustration— “Why did you do that? I don’t have time for this! You should have been more careful.”

Scenario B: They respond with care— “Are you okay? How can I help? I’ve done that before—it’s the worst. Let’s clean this up together so we can both get to bed on time. Put on shoes so you don’t get hurt.” Then they offer a hug because they know you didn’t mean for it to happen.

One response generates shame and stress. The other generates love and connection. We’ve all been on both sides of these moments, which means we understand what actually feels good and soothing. We can generate love when we mindfully pause, find our ground, and make a conscious choice.

Generating with Others

The most common contrast I work with couples on is this: when one person has a hard day, their partner’s response can either be filled with empathy—or completely lacking it. When partnerships become disconnected—whether due to complacency, routine, resentment, exhaustion, unprocessed anger, lack of soul time, or just the overwhelm of daily life—it can be incredibly difficult to summon a supportive response in a hard moment.

But if we can soften—if we can remember how deeply we love this person and that we are on the same team—then we can respond with care and empathy in a way that changes everything.

If I could offer couples just one skill, it would be this: hug the other person and offer an empathy statement. “I’m so proud of you.” “I know this is hard.” “How can I help?” “I know we’re upset with each other right now, but we’re on the same team, and I love you.” “Let’s work this out.” “Tell me more.” “I really want to hear you right now and support you.”

Are you feeling this? So often, when I model these softening, same-team statements for couples, someone is in tears—sometimes both people—because we recognize language and energy that nourishes us, that helps us feel safe, supported, and okay in the world.

Do you notice how what I just described for partnerships could be any primary relationship in your life? Your close friend, your child, your parent - even yourself.

Self Love

A special note here… I’m often asked, “How do I love myself?” It’s a question that makes sense because self-love isn’t something we’re explicitly taught. If we’re lucky, we may have had a parent, mentor, or friend who modeled it for us. But in a culture dominated by consumerism, self-love is often mistaken for buying the next thing that promises to complete us—only to leave us feeling empty once the novelty fades. True self-love isn’t about acquiring; it’s about cultivating. It’s a daily practice of respecting, nurturing, and growing into the fullness of who you are.

Sometimes, it’s a natural extension of the love we received as children; other times, it’s a reparenting process—offering ourselves the care and validation we once needed but didn’t fully experience. At its core, self-love means filling ourselves with purpose, connection, and support, so we’re not grasping for external validation to fill an internal void. No one else can do this work for us. Others can encourage and uplift us, but the practice of self-love is ours alone. And if it feels unfamiliar or out of reach, know this: it’s a “do it until you become it” kind of thing. Self-love isn’t something we wait to feel—it’s something we actively generate, over and over, until it becomes a way of being.

Let’s Practice Love

Since chocolate hearts are everywhere this season, it’s a great time to find small ways to generate love. Don’t underestimate even the tiniest act—because a spark of love can ignite something much bigger. You never know how far that love will carry someone - even you.

IDEAS TO GENERATE LOVE

This isn’t your typical “ways to love” list. My blog is a love letter to all the people I’ve had the honoring of helping over 20 years. These ideas are co-created and generated through people I’ve worked with in therapy, coaching and in my personal relationships. These are the short versions of these practices. Subscribe to my newsletter or follow my social media as I explore each of these in depth in the future.

Loving Yourself

Self Love Bingo (at end of post): I made this one for you. It’s 25 things you can do to generate self-love. The key is to be consistent with a daily act no matter how small.

Journaling: Sometimes disconnection to self occurs because we’ve been taking in too much content without releasing it. Try the link for a Take Out The Trash journaling practice.

Nature Walk: Get out in the sun and breathe for 10 minutes…or maybe an hour while you listen to your favorite podcast. Let nature nourish your spirit.

Slow it Down: Whatever ‘it’ is, slow down, give yourself more time, have some compassion and respect for your system needing integration time.

Loving Your Partner

The 10-Second Hug: Hold a hug for at least 10 seconds (science says it boosts oxytocin and deepens bonding!). Bonus round…the 10-minute foot rub.

36 Questions for Closeness: A research-backed way to generate connection. Most couples I’ve worked with only choose a few at a time. All 36 can be overwhelming unless you’re on a really long road trip.

‘What’s One Thing?’ Check-in: Ask each other, “What’s one thing I could do today to help you feel loved?”—and then do it.

Plan the Date: Never stop creating dates, even if it’s a walk around your neighborhood. Alternate who is in charge and create a plan that fits what the other person would enjoy.

The Love List: This is my favorite couples practice. Here’s the quick version. List 5 things your love about your partner (ask them to do the same). Take a pic and put it on your phone. Or write on paper and put on your bathroom mirror, car, fridge. Look at it everyday, and extra when there’s conflict.

Loving Your Friends

The ‘Random Act of Connection’ Text: Send a short, unexpected message telling a friend something you appreciate about them. Forward a friend something lovely you found on social media and share why it made you think of them.

Culture Club: Share one thing you read, watched, or heard from the past week that you keep reflecting on. Maybe something that changed the way you feel/think or it opened up some interesting ideas/questions. Then ask them to offer you the same. (Yes, my women’s group jokingly calls it this.)

Surprise Snail Mail: Write a postcard or letter and drop it in the mail—no reason needed.

Move Your Body: Choose a beautiful or fun place to walk and invite friends who uplift you. Maybe add a quick coffee at the end.

Timed Check-in: We’re all busy and sometimes people don’t call or connect because they dread the “one-hour-call-because-we-haven’t-talked-in-ages-situation”. No problem. Ask your friend to connect, take the time you have, and split in two. “I have 20 minutes. Can we set a timer and each share for 10?”

Loving as a Family

Morning or Evening Gratitude Round: Start or end the day sharing one thing you’re grateful for. Kids might say something like “the bat that came in through the fireplace.” Weirdly specific and possibly scary, but just go with it, whatever it is.

Cook Together: Make a meal or bake something together, even if it’s messy and imperfect (the best memories are messy and imperfect).

The ‘Then & Now’ Game: Look at an old family photo and talk about what’s changed, what’s stayed the same, and what’s been learned. Watch a few old videos together on your phone.

Object Game: Pick an object (table, strawberries, big city, ocean - anything) and everyone goes around the circle sharing a quick story about that object. If in doubt start with, “Share a memory when you were at the table with family.”

Game Night (non-digital): Get out the board games, card games, disconnect the phones. Keep on plan even if people are complaining…10 minutes in and it usually gets fun.

Loving the Stranger

Volunteer for 2 hours: Look for 2-3 organizations you believe in and sign up for a short shift to help out. It’s amazing how much good we feel from helping others.

Friendly Wishes: Reflect on a person or population who is really hurting right now. Add friendly wishes for them in your regular meditation time. See them getting the healing they need as you imagine sending them this offering of love.

Get Political: Take 20 minutes to email/call your local and national representatives to share what matters to you. Even if you think they’re not listening, if enough people reach out it influences how they operate. https://www.usa.gov/elected-officials

Social Media Love: Take 20 minutes to mindfully scroll and check out the amazing people in this world showing up and speaking about important, inspirational things. Write a supportive comment, give it a like, share with your friends. Message that person and cheer them on. (PS - you can curate your social by adding the voices you most want to hear in favorites.)

Really Seeing: Take that extra few seconds to really connect with the person helping you check out, giving you the shopping cart or serving you food. Some friendly eye contact and a sincere, loving exchange can really impact a person.

Love grows when we put it in motion. Try one of these today and see what shifts. Connection isn’t about grand gestures—it’s about presence, intention, playfulness, and simple acts of care.

What’s one way you’ll spark love today?

May you be well,

Shelly

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Concept

NOW more than ever, we need to get intentional about how we connect to each other and how we actively, intentionally, generate LOVE. We generate love to awaken our full aliveness and to inspire that wakefulness in others. And here’s something powerful: the more we give love, the more we generate it within ourselves. Research on compassion shows that offering love and care benefits the giver just as much as the receiver.

Practice

Generate Love:

Check out the list below and choose one thing from the Self Love category, and one thing from an additional category to work into your week. Notice how you feel. Share with a friend.

Mindfulness: Classic Lovingkindness Practice

Daily Orienting Question:

What does Love feel like? What is one act I can do to generate love today?